I have always had an irrational fear of death. Even as a young child, I would lie awake at night in my bed, praying to Jesus that I wouldn't die. I would tell myself that if I could just get through the night without dying, everything would be alright in the morning, and it always was. After what happened with my delivery of Adalyn, I have become almost paralyzed by the fear. It's to the point that I am in constant fear for Adalyn, and a little bit of a freakazoid (Marlin). I panic when I bring her swimming, at meals, at the park, when she gets sick, and almost anywhere else anything can go wrong. Sometimes, I'm really good at looking calm and collected, but on the inside I'm an absolute wreck. I know I have not dealt with the trauma, as much as I've tried I can't figure out how to recover from it, but I don't want my children resenting me because of how fearful I am.
Over the course of the movie Finding Nemo, Marlin learns to deal with his irrational fears by going on a journey to find his son and everything ends well. As I prepare to give birth to my son any day now I have had more and more fear, and have been quite a bit more anxious than usual. I have been praying constantly for God to take the fear away and replace it with peace and comfort, but it keeps creeping into my subconscious and then into the forefront of my mind. How do I deliver this little boy without the fear? I want it gone, but it keeps coming back. I keep telling myself to trust God, and to stop being crippled by fear in every situation, He took care of me the last time, he will take care of me again. Alas here I sit, feeling very "Marlin-esque" and anxious.
If you are reading this, please pray for me. I don't want to live the rest of my life in constant fear, and fear of death. As a Christian, I know I should not fear death, but I do. I know that for some of you, reading this will shock you, as I seem calm and collected about my upcoming delivery, and most of life in general, but I am not. I'm not as strong or as calm as I can make myself seem. It has always been difficult for me to talk openly and honestly about how I'm feeling. I need all the support, prayers, positive vibes, and encouragement you can offer. If you have any good bible verses that I can read, please send them my way, as I've no clue where to even start. If you feel compelled to offer me any words of encouragement, PLEASE do. In the meantime, all I can do is continue to pray that God takes this fear away, and that I can welcome my son into the world with the courage and strength of God and the comfort of Jesus being with me through every moment.
