So I have a little bit of a problem, and most people who know me are going think "absolutely NOT!", but... I am kind of, a little bit, shy. Yes I know. Me? Shy? I'll explain it.
Whether it's a stranger or someone I've known for years and years, and I see them randomly somewhere I am not expecting to see them and we make eye contact I'll either 1. turn my glance away quickly before they've noticed or 2. Dammit, we both made eye contact and now we have to say hello. NOW, depending on how well I know the person I'll actually stop to say hello without any hesitation and carry out small talk (I think small talk is so awkward). But usually what happens is that I'm completely afraid that if I stop and say hello to said person, they will just keep walking and I'll look like an idiot in front of what I'm sure is EVERYONE in the mall,who just so happened to stop what they were doing to watch this incident go down. Yes, this is actually what runs through my mind in the span of 0.2 seconds while I decide whether or not to merely say HELLO to you. And saying hello to a complete stranger who has smiled at me? Out of the question. I may smile awkwardly back at them and quickly pace away, but never would I ever say "hello." Now that I think about it, all this might be FAR worse than just saying the freaking word.
This has happened to me more times than I can count. I'll have decided that I'll overcome the fear of a rejected hello, say "HEY!" and they just keep walking. I'm sure its just a case of the person not seeing me, but nonetheless up goes my barrier, and a simple hello now becomes a knot in my stomach. So, if you've ever seen me in public (because I'm just so popular) and have seen me look at you and then quickly look away, I promise it's not because I think "Well, I'm just too good to been seen in public speaking to that person" its more like "oh my god, if I see them, they see me, I say hello, and then they just keep walking, or THEY quickly look away, I'll be so embarrassed." So I just avoid all of that nonsense and I choose to be the walker-awayer.
Another thing that happens is that if I don't have anything to say, I don't try to make small talk. So it's extremely awkward meeting new people sometimes, or even just seeing people I haven't seen in awhile. Often times, the acquaintance will ask me a very mundane question, "So, do you live in town?" and my answer is "yes." I guess I just don't have the brain capacity to reciprocate the question. So the acquaintance will then ask "So.... do you have any relatives in the area? How do you like living here?" "Yes, and I do I love the area." Again, why don't I ask the acquaintance about themselves? I have no clue, maybe again I'm afraid I'll ask a REALLY stupid question and then have them think I'm weird. So instead of asking about their lives, I just stay silent. Again it comes off as arrogance, when really its just me struggling through my brain and why it does what it does.
Alright, so to get to my point. A lot of people mistake shyness from people as arrogance, "Oh, she thinks she's too good for me" when in fact it's the complete OPPOSITE. I'm constantly thinking that everyone is too good for ME, as does everyone else who suffers from "compulsive shyness." The silence comes off as me not wanting to have a conversation with you, when in fact I'm dying to communicate but can't figure out how to. Maybe everyone suffers from this sort of thing to a certain extent. I'm in constant fear of upsetting someone with my words, having someone say something hurtful to me, or sounding like a lunatic.
I've said this before, and I'll say it again. I have NOT mastered verbal communication skills. Everything is inside my head. I know that's not the best place for things to stay, but until I figure out how to go about conversation without feeling like I sound totally looney I'll have to remain as my shy self. This really puts a damper on me trying to show love to everyone. How can I show someone love when I'm too shy to even say hello? It's something I've been trying to sort out wit God for the longest time, just hoping for a breakthrough one day. Unfortunately, I don't think this is a breakthrough kinda thing. It's going to be a long process of small steps towards becoming that kind of a person. Until then, I will continue to show love through interpretive dance. Heh, just kidding.
Until my next post...
Cheers.
