So I haven't written a post in a couple months mostly because I've been so friggin' busy chasing around my daughter, but also mostly because I had no clue what I wanted to write about. So I decided to write this post about my experience of motherhood so far. Now that my little girl has officially turned one I am happy to say, I MADE IT THROUGH MY FIRST YEAR AS A MOM! Whoa, it's crazy to think that, let alone SAY it. I am sure everyone has heard it a hundred, maybe even a thousand times, and I'm sure every time they've heard it they nod and think nothing of it, but the first year seriously does go by at lightning speed. Until you have a child you will not understand the statement. I have said it before... if you want time to speed up or go by quickly, have a child. Unless of course you are nowhere near ready to have a child, then maybe just invent time travel. I could write a book about everything that this year has taught me. To keep it short and sweet, here is a list of the 3 big things this past year has taught me.
1.
When I was pregnant I thought I had pretty much everything thought out. I had thought of what I would do when certain situations arose. I knew for sure I would stay cool and collected. I was doing well until the day that Adalyn put something in her mouth while I was preparing her lunch, about 2 months ago. She started choking, and making sounds like she couldn't breath. I grabbed her and screamed "MOM! MOM! 911! 911!" Of course my mother was at work, and nowhere near the vicinity of where she was able to hear me. I grabbed my cellphone and was about to dial 911, when she coughed up what looked like a piece of old toast that was left on the floor somewhere. I can laugh about it now, and how hysterical I got in a matter of seconds, but at that moment it was one of the most terrifying experiences' of my life. It is absolutely insane how much you worry about your children on a daily basis. For all the mom's that are pregnant right now and think "oh man, once I get past my 1st trimester I'll stop worrying. Once I hear the heartbeat, I'll stop worrying. Once I get to full-term, I'll stop worrying. Once I've given birth to the baby, I'll stop worrying." (I said every single one of those statements throughout my pregnancy.) I have some very serious news for you, you will worry EVERY SINGLE DAY, for the rest of your life. As hard as I try not to worry, it still happens. I know that everything is in God's hand, and that I can't change any outcome by worrying. It still creeps up on you when it comes to your child.
2.
I really have to give props to all the moms I had judged in my heart before I was a mom. I watched them and thought there was no way I would let my baby do, eat, act, sleep, and ALL the other things that those moms did or let their kids do. I now realize that we are all just human beings trying to do the best we can with what we've got. Children are exhausting. Running on low fumes, getting 2 hours of sleep at night, trying to be "parent of the year", keeping the fort down, and trying to stay sexy for your husband, are things that superwoman may be capable of, but probably not. Parenting styles are very different between people, and one is no better than the other. Kids are so different from one another, with so many different personalities and sensitivities, that one universal parenting method would not work. Once I became a mother I was scolded for so many things. Not breastfeeding exclusively for a year was one thing. And I have one thing to say to those people, FORMULA IS NOT POISON! I know that it's most beneficial for babies to be breastfed. I tried. I tried my hardest. It did not work for me. And for future moms, the best you can do is try, try your hardest. If it doesn't work, it's okay! Don't beat yourself up about it, your child will turn out just fine on formula. Other things such as co-sleeping, starting my baby on food before 6 months, not letting her "cry-it-out", among other things were taboo for some, and mantra's for others. I felt that judgement that I had casted upon so many moms' before me. So if you are one of those women who is currently looking at your group of friends and their kids and thinking "man, I would be SO much better at parenting than her." By all means, babysit her kid(s) for one day. I can guarantee you'll change your mind and your heart about her.
3.
I did not know the true capacity of love, until I had child. I knew how to love. I loved many people in my life. I loved my husband, I loved my dog, I loved my family, my friends. I knew what unconditional love was, but I had not experienced it. It's a little hard to explain, but I'll try. Unconditional love means that you love someone on a "non-conditional" basis. Meaning, no matter what they do, your heart will continue to love them, and love them entirely. I know many people like to think that they love their spouses unconditionally, but when you really sit down and think about it, spousal love is very conditional. If my husband were to do something that I did not approve of, it would change the condition of my love for him. Things like being unfaithful, bad habits, not being loyal, lying, all change the conditions of love in a marriage or partnership. When it comes to my daughter, my love will not change based on conditions. This is why you hear of mothers who's children are mass murder's, convicted criminals, or the mom of the bully at the school, who love their children despite of what they have done or who they are. Having my daughter opened my eyes up to a whole new sort of love. My heart has overflowed with something that I cannot describe or put into words. It gave me a better understanding of God's incredible love for us, and how He is able to love us unconditionally. I have started to understand the heart of God on a deeper and more personal level, because of the love I've experienced for my daughter. If I love her this much, I can't even imagine His love for her, and me, and everyone else.
This year has brought so many other things with it. I have learnt more about myself during 1 year as a mother, than I had the 23 years prior to it. I now get what my mom and dad meant when they were saying "this hurts me more than it hurts you." I cannot believe all the things I did that probably broke my moms heart to see me do, and all she could do was pray that it somehow helped me grow. I have watched Adalyn grow this past year, and her spirit is so sweet, it is contagious. She is a light to everyone she meets. Her heart is compassionate, and she loves when everyone is in celebration. Mauro and I had hard road to conceive Adalyn, and we've just learned that having another child might not be a possibility for us, health-wise. I am so thankful that God gave us a break, that we conceived Adalyn, that He brought her into this world, and that He has given us the privilege and honor of being her parents and teaching her His heart. She is my little soul mate, and I am so happy I get to spend the rest of my life being her mommy. I truly believe this is what I was created for. To be the best mommy I can be, to the most incredible little girl I have ever met.
Until my next post,
Cheers.
